So THATS Why They Call It Hell!
by Empress of the Eclipse
Summary: Matt dies and goes to hell. Where he makes a very scary discovery. In fact, more than one!


So THAT'S Why They Call It Hell!  
By the Empress of the Eclipse  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own Digimon. Or this fanfic. I swear, it isn't mine! THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
This was sort of inspired when I went on the Minesweaper section of fanfic.net. (yes, there is a minesweaper section for those lucky enough to be innocent) Anyway, this fic vaugely developed from that. Sob.  
WARNING! Any devout relgious people might want to turn back NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Matt blinked.  
"Ow?" he suggested.  
He was lying on the floor looking up at the sky which looked redder than usual. A harassed looking man with a clip board was standing beside him.  
"Yamato Ishida?"  
"Yes?"  
The man nodded.  
"Good. Welcome to Hell," he said.  
"WHAT?"  
Matt sat up in a hurry looking around.  
"Ah. The disorientation phase," the man said "Don't worry, that'll pass. Soon you will remember your death and the manner of its occurrence."  
Matt frowned. Death? He wasn't dead, he would have remembered...  
"Gendo!" he yelled suddenly "I KNEW he wasn't sober enough to drive! Oh man! I'm gonna kill him I swear!"  
"You won't be killing anyone; you're dead," the man said calmly.  
"I went to hell?" Matt said, looking confused "This isn't fair."  
The man shrugged.  
"Is this like South Park?" Matt asked suspiciously "Where everyone goes to hell?"  
"Oh no," the man said "But only a select few get into heaven. Anyway."  
He coughed importantly.  
"Welcome to Hell. I am your tour guide, Lewis Heaps and I will be showing you around and accustoming you to your new surroundings. You will meet your new ruler Satan very shortly. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy a cool and refreshing drink from our bar."  
Matt looked at the bar. Then he walked over.  
"Vodka," he said to the barmaid "NOW!"  
The barmaid smiled at him and handed him a vodka.  
"Have a nice day!" she called.  
"I'm beginning to see why they call it hell," Matt muttered, downing the vodka "Hey, Lewis?"  
Lewis smiled at him.  
"Yes?"  
"What about the rest of the band? Are they dead?"  
"Oh you'll have to ask Satan," Lewis said "I'm just the tour guide."  
Matt groaned and ordered another vodka. He was in the middle of his third when Satan arrived.   
Matt knew it was Satan because a drum roll sounded and Lewis promptly shouted "All rise for the Prince of Darkness himself!"  
Since Matt was already standing, he wasn't sure how he could rise any more. There was a large puff of smoke and Satan appeared.  
Matt spat out his vodka.  
Satan was, in all appearances, Istu Katsuragi.  
"ISTU?"  
"No, Satan," Satan said patiently.  
Matt looked him up and down.  
"Do I look good?" Satan said hopefully "It's such a pain always being visualised the same, you know, red with horns."  
"You look like Istu," Matt said grumpily.  
"Oh him," Satan said with a snicker "I was hoping for the Digimon Kaiser actually but still. Never mind."  
He smiled.  
"Anyway, I am Satan the Prince of Darkness, welcome to Hell. How are you enjoying this so far?"  
"Marvellous," Matt said "Completely terrific."  
Satan grinned.  
"Most people see it that way," he said "Now before we arrange your room and job, are their any questions you'd like to ask?"  
"My band," Matt said promptly.  
"Oh yes, them," Satan said "Let's see..."  
He pulled out a clipboard and started flipping through sheets.  
"Gendo, Toshiki and Istu are all in hospital," he said brightly "They'll live.... and Akemi's in Heaven."  
"WHAT?????????"  
"Akemi's in Heaven," Satan said "I'm sure he's loving it up there...."  
"Akemi went to Heaven and I want to HELL? He doesn't even believe in God!"  
"Why should that make a difference?" Satan asked.  
"He's had sex more times than anyone except Gendo!"  
"So?"  
"So....so....well, it's not fair!"  
"No," Satan agreed "Life isn't fair so I don't see why Death should be either. Now...room and board..."  
He started flipped through his clipboard again.  
"Do you have any preferences to your roomy?"  
"Roomy?" Matt said.  
"Well, everyone has to share," Satan said patiently "Let's see...Adolf Hitler's free."  
"NO!" Matt yelled.  
"Oh....Joseph Stalin?"  
"NO! Stop trying to room me with dictators!"  
"Okay...Mahatma Gandi?"  
"Almost as bad as the dictators," Matt said.  
"What about Ayrton Senna?" Satan suggested "He's free."  
"Never heard of him," Matt said.  
"Racing driver," Satan said "He do?"  
"Sure."  
"Follow me then."  
Matt followed Satan. They suddenly were walking in an apartment building past doors.  
"Um, Satan?" Matt said.  
"Yes?"  
"Why don't you put Adolf Hitler and Stalin together?"  
"Tried it," Satan said, sounding gloomy "They didn't get on. The neighbours complained."  
"What a surprise," Matt muttered "Has ANYONE ever shared with Hitler and got on?"  
"Not really," Satan said.  
Matt groaned.  
"So what's it like in Heaven then?"  
"Fairly similar," Satan said "Except for some fountains that run with champagne, pretty fields with lilies...stuff like that."  
"Okay then," Matt said "So why do some people go to Heaven and others to Hell?"  
"Well, on a normal day only the religious people go up there," Satan explained "But God gets bored of all the religious people every now and then and lets up the interesting people. Mostly that's just random although we often puts baggsies on people."  
He scowled.  
"God got Brian Warner first, the bastard."  
Matt was about to ask who Brian Warner was a more important question occured to him.  
"Satan? What happened to Elvis?"  
"Elvis?" Satan said.  
"You know. The King?"  
"Oh him!" Satan said "Nah, he's not dead! He got abducted by aliens!"  
Matt gaped at him.  
"Shame really. I was always his greatest fan. Still, he sends me new songs sometimes,"Satan said "My personal favourite is his new #1 galaxy hit, 'Fwibbly wobbly weep-nit'."  
Matt opened his mouth to ask what Satan was taking but then Satan opened a door and he had to stop.  
"Ayrton? Ayrton, new roomy for you!"  
Ayrton Senna didn't look round. He was watching the television.  
"You stupid - " he was shouting "You can't even drive!"  
"Ayrton," Satan said patiently "That is one of your videos. Hakkinen ALWAYS crashes there, in exactly the same way."  
Ayrton muttered something and started fast-forwarding.  
"He's only a little crazy," Satan said reassuringly "I'm sure you'll get on JUST fine!"  
He smiled brightly.  
"Now...your job. Someone will come and collect your for your first work shift tomorrow. In the meantime, relax, get aquatinted with your new roomy and neighbours. I'll come to check on you soon to make sure you're okay."  
A loud 'ding!' sounded from somewhere. Satan was out of the room in a second yelling loudly "I'VE GOT BAGGSIES! I BAGGSIED HIM FIRST GOD!"  
Matt couldn't help wondering who'd just died. Shrugging he looked at Ayrton Senna.  
"So...you used to drive F1?"  
Senna nodded, not looking round.  
"How'd you die?"  
Matt suddenly wondered if this was a personal question. Maybe you weren't supposed to ask people that in hell. Senna didn't seem to care. He got out another video and fast-forwarded it.  
"Like that," he said, pointing.  
Matt watched as the car crashed.  
"Ow?" he suggested after a moment.  
Senna just grunted, ejected the video and started watching another one. Matt sighed. Going outside, he knocked on the nearest door to see who lived in it.  
A girl opened it and looked at him. Her eyes widened.  
"Hi," Matt said "I'm new."  
"No kidding!" the girl said "I'd have noticed YOU before!"  
Matt was used to this and shrugged.  
"I'm Matt Ishida."  
"I'm Sugar," the girl said brightly "I'm a ex-prostitute!"  
She smiled.  
"My roomy is Anne Boleyn," she said "She's not in much though. Too busy haunting castles or finding her ex-husband and pissing him off."  
She shrugged.  
"Serves him right," she said "He had six wives and four of them haunt him on a daily basis."  
Matt snickered. He had to admit, this was very peculiar indeed.  
"So who else lives on this floor?" he asked.  
"Oh, in that room are Patrick and Kurt," Sugar said "They're okay but pretty quiet. Prefer to keep themselves to themselves. Well, Patrick does anyway, Kurt often suddenly bounces out and starts being noisy. In that room over there are Alec and Peter. They're fun. Filled with film acting stories."  
"Okay," Matt said "So how long have you lived in hell?"  
"Oh, about two years now," Sugar said "It's not bad."  
"What about the work?"  
"Satan said what you'll be doing?"  
"No. Just that someone would pick me up for my first shift tomorrow."  
Sugar frowned.  
"Right. Well....dunno what you'll be doing," she said with a careless shrug "Can be awful, can be okay. As a prostitute, I just get the easy jobs see?"  
"No."  
"Well what do you think the eternal reward is in heaven?" Sugar said, looking at him like he was daft "An easy cheap lay!"  
"Oh boy," Matt said "Akemi's gonna LOVE it up there!"  
"Akemi?"  
"Old friend of mine. Should you meet him, tell him Matt says hi," Matt said.  
Sugar nodded.  
"Sure."  
"So what's it like in heaven?" Matt asked.  
"Less of a dump," Sugar said, poking some peeling wallpaper "They get to stay in hotels like the Ritz. With their own bedrooms! Some luck here!"  
She rolled her eyes.  
"Still, Satan says I only have about three years to go before I've worked off all my sin and can go up to Heaven!" she said "Great huh?"  
Matt nodded.  
"So you can work it off?" he said "The sin?"  
"Yeah. Varies from person to person though. And if Satan gets busy, you can be working longer till someone remembers you. My mate Dan, he was down here YEARS before anyone noticed that he'd taken a wrong turning and should have been in heaven! Daft sod!"  
Matt sighed.  
"So do we get to go up and haunt people?"  
"Sometimes," Sugar said "I don't myself. Not much fun in it. And unless you've got septies....you know, people who can see ghosts...it isn't much fun seeing your relatives and mates."  
"I might try anyway," Matt said.  
"Well, you gotta do some time first," Sugar said "No hurrying!"  
She laughed. A bell rang from somewhere.  
"Shit!" Sugar said "That's a call for me! Gotta go Matt!"  
She rushed off. Matt went back into his room where Ayrton Senna was still watching the telly.  
"You see how they drive?" he shouted at Matt as Matt came in "Hopeless, all of them!"  
Matt sat down on the bed and wished for another large vodka.  
* * * *   
"Yamato Ishida?"  
Matt opened his eyes from a wistful dream about being NOT dead and drinking an iced strawberry milkshake. He'd only got to sleep about two hours ago, having been kept up by Ayrton Senna who had been trying to explain F1 driving to him.  
"Yes? What?" he muttered.  
"I'm Sid Vicious. I'm here to escort you to work."  
"Sid Vi - oh BLOODY HELL!" Matt said, getting up "Is there anyone apart from Akemi who ISN'T in hell?"  
"Well John Lennon got to go to Heaven," Sid Vicious said, looking sulky "So did James Dean. You coming?"  
"Sure," Matt said gloomily.  
He was led out of the motel thing and into another block of flats where he was promptly pushed into a small room.  
"Here you are. You're new job."  
Matt blinked. He was looking out of a computer...?  
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked, realising that his face was somehow twisted into a happy smile.  
Sid Vicious smiled too, only his was an unpleasant smile.  
"Ever played Minesweeper?"  
"Yes..." Matt said slowly.  
"You're the Smilie Man now," Sid Vicious said.  
"What....no. No! Come back!"  
But Sid was gone and Matt could see a girl earnestly clicking her computer. Terror filled him every time she clicked, making his smile turn into a 'O' of worry and then....  
"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"  
He'd just got blown up by mines! The pain was horrible and he could feel his face scrunch up.  
"Crap!" the girl muttered "Wrong again!"  
She clicked on his face. Matt felt his face twist into a happy smile again.  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Matt howled as she began again.  
* * * *  
"How was your first day at work Matt?"  
Matt didn't answer Sugar, just crawled into his room. Sugar looked at her friend Crystal who was visiting.  
"What do you think?"  
"Minesweeper boy," Crystal said, nodding "Definitely. I've seen the signs before."  
They exchanged looks. They could hear Ayrton Senna busily telling Matt about some new F1 driver who couldn't drive a milk float. Matt suddenly looked out of his room.  
"Now I know," he said "Why they call it hell."  
  
The End.  
  
If you are a devoutly religious person, about to flame me for being offensive and making fun of your religion, I have two words for you; SOD OFF! I won't care anyway and this is a joke! A JOKE! With H-U-M-O-U-R! Sorry, but I keep getting flames from humourless people recently and it's getting on my nerves! So DO NOT FLAME!!!!!!!  
Actually, do flame. You might as well. It's always fun to insult you afterwards! Extra points to signed flamers, it proves you're brave enough not to care! But don't expect me to read your stuff with an open mind! 


End file.
